Time for medieval filmmaking

I know it is, because my wife has got that far away look in her eyes, and I’m thinking, “Oh No! “. For she is in that Historical (not Hysterical) frame of mind. That means she has thought up another idea for a film and I have discovered it is “MEDIEVAL” this time. She has taken to scribbling furiously on a large note pad and drawing indecipherable sketches. When I asked her what she was so busy with, she said, “Go away!” So I made a quick retreat. Brochures of ruins, castles and keeps are scattered about -and lists of friends who own horses, (these worry me as I know I’m going to have to produce harnesses, accoutrements etc). I know I mustn’t complain, for I have to admit I haven’t written a script myself for some time, though ideas are floating around in my head. It’s just that I have this idea that a film about Restaurants and Pubs would be quite interesting!
 

I dread being sent up to the tops of crumbling towers to shoot panoramic views of hordes of knights in armour (Oh No! Not ARMOUR!) surrounding the castle. I suppose I could run up a few swords and shields on my woodworking machine (must remember to buy silver paint). Of course, I look forward to filming those medieval maidens in their flowing robes. That’s when women were women and you felt protective towards them, unless of course they were being carried off by a bearded knight who was six ft. five ins, and rather fierce. I suppose I should be grateful that TITANIC has already been filmed three times; it could have been Dinosaurs! (Thank you Spielberg for getting there first.)

By the way, does anyone know what a Gorget, Chanfron and Peytral are?

by John Woolmer